A Clown for a Valentine
by unamuerte
Summary: The Joker is a little lonely on Valentine's Day and decides to go on a date....the Joker way. Read and review!
1. The Joker gets a date

**~*~ A Clown for a Valentine~*~**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in the Batman world. =D**

**A/N: This one-shot is for a certain cat-friend -**** and any lovers of the Joker hehe. **

'Why so serious?'

He laughed, and flicked the little flip-knife into the corner of my chin. The car had stopped, and he'd finally opened the boot. The night air rushed in, chilling me but waking me at the same time. Light from the street-lamp a few paces away spilled down on us.

I stared up at the man leering over me. The first thing I saw was the shabby purple suit, or rather, the fake little flower sitting in his flannel. The kind that squirts water. It was natural for me to notice such detail. My day job, and frequently night-job, was a policewoman. I turned my attention beyond the suit, to the man _in _the suit.

He wasn't really a man. His face was coated with corpse-white paint. A lipstick red smile curved upwards and outside his real mouth, just like a clown. It struck me that the scars that followed the mouth in a curved smile were possibly self-inflicted. Worst of all were the smirking eyes, drowned in the stained mascara that had dried just above the cheeks. There was hollowness in that smirk, and madness too.

_Why so serious? _What kind of a question was that to ask your victim?

_What do you think? _That's what my brain was shrieking in reply.

Ordinarily, I would have punched anyone who asked that question, given my present situation. My mouth was stuffed with garlic, taped shut and my feet and hands were bound with rope and fishing wire. An altogether pleasant arrangement.

But I wouldn't be punching this man, even if I managed to escape. The face paint, and the suit, teemed with those mad eyes, were enough to warn even an apprentice policewoman. The whole of Gotham knew this man's face – though I suspected only the masked knight – the Batman – knew the Joker's true identity. Of all the women sitting at home that evening, feeding their cats alone, _I _happened to be the unfortunate victim whom the Joker selected for a Valentine's Day prank. Or worse.

'Ah. Legs.'

The Joker was staring at me, deciding what to call me. Since he had kidnapped me in the middle of a quiet night at home with my cats, I was dressed thinly in an old t-shirt and shorts, my bare legs exposed to the night air. Hence the charming nick-name.

'What's a gorgeous woman like you doing at home feeding the cats on a night like this?'

He rubbed his hands together, not caring that anyone might walk past him in the street that very moment, and see him talking to a woman stuffed and gagged in the boot of his car. Of course, that was characteristically Joker behaviour.

'What's that?' He put one of his gloved, purple hands to his ear and a laughed. 'I can't hear you my love!'

In a gesture of a sadism rather than kindness he tore the tape from my mouth.

I didn't scream. I wasn't that stupid. The only way to survive was to meet a clown on the same wavelength. Amuse them with a trick or two.

'I don't date psychopaths.' It was all I could do to hold onto my nerve. If I hadn't been trained to keep my mouth shut in situations such as these, I'd most likely be dead. This second.

'Where are you taking me?'

The Joker sighed. I got the feeling asking meaningless questions such as whether he would spare my life or not trifling. 'It's time for the tape to go back on.'

He pulled out the black roll of tape from his jacket pocket and tore off a new bit to attach to my face. How romantic.

'There!' The black tape was re-attached. The Joker admired his handiwork, grinning. 'You look almost as handsome as me!'

Then he bent down, seeing my furious expression. I quickly altered it, remaining as calm as possible. The Joker was a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off.

He clicked his fingers and moments later two masked men joined his side. Probably waiting in the front of the van. They hoisted me out of the boot, one of them undoing my feet, the other my hands.

'Now, my sweet,' said the Joker grinning, 'one false move and my little friend here will slit you from side to side.' He pointed the dagger in the side of my stomach.

I nodded. Didn't have to be told twice. The two men led me, with the Joker taking up the rear, down a side street. The light at the end of the alley told me he was leading me somewhere inside. If he wanted to kill me, he probably would have done so by now. At least, that was the reasoning with most crims. But the Joker was different. Not even the most hardened crims would associate with this man. I gulped.

He saw my fish-like expression of fear, and gave me an almost affectionate smile.

'Nothing like a woman in distress to give the ol' heard palpitations! Not to worry my dove, I'm not gonna kill you. We're just going to sit down, and have a nice, quiet, romantic dinner for two. All expenses paid of course. What man could ask for more, than the company of a beautiful woman on Valentine's Day?'

Was I hearing right? Had I been knocked over the head too hard? All the Joker wanted was a quiet dinner for two? Now I had heard it all. I hesitated a moment, tripping over the wet pavement crack.

'Into the alley toots.'

And I felt the sharp press of the dagger against my skin. I knew he wasn't joking.

* * *

**_He he keep reading to find out how the Joker spends his Valentine's....._**


	2. A Dinner for Two

**~*~A Dinner for Two~*~**

_**A/N: Inspiration for this chapter: the song Windows by N.E.R.D he he. Definitely creepy if it was the Joker staring in your window! **_

**_Sorry I offend Joker fans, I did my best to keep him in character! _**_**Be nice, read and review!**_

When someone has a knife thrust beside your stomach, it doesn't take much encouragement to walk into a deserted alleyway. At the end of the alleyway was a dimly lit entrance into some seedy criminal hideout. The Joker caught me staring.

''Lighten up sweetheart.'' He broke into laughter at his own pun.

A flickering bulb swung above the door. It wasn't much of a door, more like a giant plank of wood wedged between the broken bricks. A crappy neon sign decorated the door.

_The Joker's Joint, _it read. Classy.

At the end of the alley way was a dumpster. The perfect place to dump a body…

''Play along doll-face,'' the Joker said, taking my arm as we entered the 'restaurant' and the dumpster passed out of sight. ''Play along, and I might even take you for a roll in the tip!''

He nudged and winked, his wicked eyes glistening.

''Ay?! Hoo hoo hoo!''

Obviously my fear was the main source for the hilarity.

It was a dim, grungy little restaurant, as you would expect from someone with a full-time job in theft, torture, assault and general mayhem and murder. Expense on finer luxuries wouldn't exactly be at the top of the Joker's list.

There, a dozen or so tables scattered around the burnt-out hide-out. A small stage was lit-up with candles lined around its spherical edge. A nervous-looking waiter stood bearing a bottle of wine and napkins.

'P-p-p-lease Miss, w-w-won't you take a seat?'

The Joker raised an eyebrow, and that was all it took for the man to set the wine bottle down and draw out a seat for each of us. I couldn't say thankyou, because my mouth was still taped together. Behind us, the two masked men were standing on guard by the plank of wood. I refused to call it a _door_.

''Now, how about some _wine _for the little woman?''

The Joker smiled that more-than-slightly-unhinged grin. In any other circumstance, if I hadn't known he was a mass-murdering psychopath, he might have been possibly charming underneath that serial-killer clown make-up.

Then he leap-frogged over his chair, sat down, and batted his eyelashes at me.

''How about some attention, Legs.''

Or maybe not.

He fiddled with the knife in his hands. I sat down quickly, before he changed his mind and decided to fish-fillet my skin.

The waiter came over, setting the wine glasses down with as much nerves as a gladiator thrown into a lion-pit. Which was pretty true right now.

''W-w-wine, M-m-m-iss?''

Obviously that wasn't the right answer, because the Joker snapped. He stood up, and looked the man directly in the eye. ''Of course she wants wine!''

He snatched the wine, and poured it into two glasses. We stared at the 'wine' as it sizzled and slowly began to dissolve the glass. It was acid!

Neither of us said anything, well, except the Joker. He picked up his wine-glass, and downed it in one gulp. He wiped his mouth with the back of his gloved hand, and then beat his chest satisfactorily. ''Ah! Cab Merlot 1982!''

I think both the waiter and I were expecting him to drop dead on the spot. We were at least waiting for him to double over in pain. ''Would you care to try some my dear?'' He held up my own dissolving glass.

I shook my head vehemently.

''Too bad.'' The Joker tossed the glass over his shoulder, narrowly missing one of the masked guards. ''That's what happens when you take a working girl to a classy place.''

I closed my eyes then, and counted to ten. Hopefully I would wake up and be back in my apartment with my cats. 1…..2….I thought back to work yesterday afternoon.

Simon, the Gotham's Head Commissioner of Police, also my boss, had convinced me to take the night off. ''Come on Miss Wood,'' he'd said, pretending to fill out reports, while really watching me. He tried the informal approach. ''Vera. I'm not _asking _you to take the night off. I'm _telling _you.''

I frowned, about to open my mouth…..3….4.

Simon is only doing his job, I told myself. We had shared quite a few late-night coffees and crappy morning doughnuts when I came to return new files of Gotham's crime reports. Each week, the reports piled up to two or three boxes. Yes, even for Gotham, that was a lot of crime. Most of it had the Joker's calling card stamped all across it.

Even though I was just an apprentice policewoman, I was still required to do a certain number of hours of street work per week. That meant patrol, crime scene analysis, arriving on the scene of a crime to intervene. So far all I'd been getting was paper work. Office duties. Not that I minded, initially. Simon was always around to talk to. But lately I had the idea that this wasn't exactly normal protocol. I'd seen other cops fresh out of the academy dumped in the middle of a homicide on their first day of duty.

Yes, I'd decided. It was all Simon's doing. Simon and those dark eyes.

''Vera?''

''Yes?''

……5…..6…….7

Vera sounds like the name of a model, or actress. Too elegant and fragile for wall-jumping and hand-cuffing villains. Which is pretty much what he had implied.

''It's a soft name,'' he continued, ''it suits you.'' He looked up, and at last I could see the concern fighting its way out of those dark eyes. ''I'm sorry Vera, but you just arrived. We can't afford to lose you to one of the Joker's crimes.''

You mean _you _can afford to lose me, I thought, but I knew Simon wasn't about to jump the Boss-employee divide. 8…………9……..

''Fine,'' I grumbled. ''If you need me I'll be having a romantic dinner…''

I shut the door behind me. ''…with my cats.''

…….10.

I opened my eyes.

''Did it work?'' The Joker was still there, batting his eyes away with romantic invitation. He saw me struggling to speak through the tape. In one swift move he tore it off. Again.

''_What?!'' _I gasped for air.

''Did you wish your way home to Kansas, Dorothy?''

I gaped.

The Joker smiled. ''Or did someone eat Toto? Ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo!'' His smile quickly vanished and he turned on the trembling waiter. The poor man was whiter than the napkins. ''Waiter! Food for the lady!''

The waiter returned seconds later with a paper take-out box on a tray. It was not soon enough. He set the box down between us. The Joker bent down and inhaled.

''Ah! Home-baked cookies! Fresh from the oven!'' He tore open the box and took a bite. ''Choc-chip! My fav!''

I watched hopefully as he devoured three or four in one sitting.

Suddenly the Joker paused mid-bite, grinning. His teeth were coated brown with chocolate.

''Oh. How selfish of me! My dear?'' He pushed the box in my direction.

I thought fast. If I refused outright, he could turn violent. I had read enough about the Joker's antics in the papers to know that. On the other hand, if I accepted, and ate one of those potentially poisonous treats, I would become a corpse whiter than the napkins and the waiter's face combined. I hadn't forgotten the acid wine.

''I can't,'' I said, fixing him with a regretful smile, ''I'm on a diet.''

''Of course!'' The Joker snapped his fingers. ''How could I be so thoughtless! That's how Legs keeps her tight little figure!'' He grinned at went back to stuffing himself. ''Oh well, more for me!''

What I wouldn't have given for my semi-automatic Glock that very moment. I couldn't really see a way of escaping. There wasn't any obvious escape route, escape the plank of wood exit, and that was guarded. The Joker would probably stab me dead before I got anywhere near it. No, I decided, it was best to sit here and wait it out. Wait for…an opportunity.

''Hey pal!'' The Joker snapped his fingers at the poor waiter. ''Come here and try one.''

He stared up at the waiter, no longer smiling. You would have to be brain dead to mistake how serious he was at that moment.

The waiter didn't mistake him at all. He just wasn't very clever. ''I-I-I'm o-on a d-d-d-iet?''

Suddenly those deadly eyes broke up. The Joker erupted into a mad tirade of laughter. ''Ahaha ha ha ha ha ha! He he he! Hoo hoo! Ha ha ha! Wa ha ha ha ha!!! Oh toots, did you hear that?!!! He's on a diet!!! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!!''

The laughter vanished as quickly as it had erupted. ''Eat it. Or I'll shoot.''

The waiter trembled, and held the cookie in the air.

The Joker clicked his hand and one of the masked men joined his side. ''Come on pal I'm a busy man,'' he said, flicking his hands at the man. ''Can't you see I'm entertaining a _woman?'' _He leered seductively at me.

The guard handed him a harpoon gun.

''Ah!'' The Joker stroked its black surface lovingly. Then he pointed it at the waiter. ''Eat it!''

''Wait!'' I didn't want the waiter to die on my account.

The Joker paused. ''What is it my little turtle dove?''

I cringed at the sick endearment. ''Maybe he is on a diet?''

The harpoon gun was redirected. It came across the table, and lowered itself underneath my chin.

''Not you two Legs! Ha ha! _Two legs!_ Get it?!''

He leaned forward, raising his eyebrows in a mock-serious manner. ''Don't you start boring me too.''

I shut up. Call me selfish, but I really did want to live. Long enough to get back the police department, load my Glock and blow him apart.

''Now,'' he said to the man, re-directing the harpoon in his direction, ''do I have to get tough with ya?''

The waiter shook his head. We watched as the man took a bite out of the cookie.

I guess between the choice of having a harpoon speared through your chest, or swallowing a poisonous dessert, the waiter chose the seemingly kinder option. I say 'seemingly kinder,' because anyone who knows anything about poison knows that it's a pretty awful way to die.

I don't think I really need to go into any details, save I saw the man drop dead on the floor thirty seconds after taking a bite out of the cookie.

The Joker tossed the harpoon aside, and leapt onto the metal chair. ''Music!" He clapped his hands. ''It's time to celebrate this romantic moment!''

One of the masked men disappeared, and returned minutes later with a very unhappy looking band. They set their instruments up on the stage surrounded by candles. I wondered how many of them had dynamite devices strapped underneath their jackets. But they played, probably on automatic pilot.

A familiar bass line picked up. They were playing 'Windows' by N.E.R.D.

''Tango-time!''

The Joker leapt down from the chair and hurled me up from mine. I didn't really get a choice in the matter, not when someone has your arm twisted behind your back and potentially acid-squirting flower sticking out of his flannel shirt.

''And bend!''

My head smacked painfully against the ground as the Joker bent me in a tango-embrace.

And then he began to sing:

'_Every single night I'm staring in her window!_

_De da da da doe doe doe!_

_She's fresh in a towel and the lights are dimmed low  
De da da da doe doe doe!!_

We took another turn round the floor. Suddenly I spied the harpoon lying on the floor. I waited until my head took another painful smack on the floor, and I grasped out. My hand grazed the side of the harpoon, but I wasn't quick enough.

''Now now my dear,'' the Joker scolded, kicking away the harpoon. ''I heard a woman can get like this at that time of the month.''

I decided to try the fierce act. Not that I thought it would work. He was too much of a fruit loop to be scared by the law. ''Let-me-go,'' I said through gritted teeth. 'Or someone I know is going to come here and spill your intestines all over the floor.''

''Mmmmm!'' The Joker licked his lips. ''Only if I get to spill yours.'' He leant in closer, and took out the same black tape from his green waistcoat. ''Don't worry gorgeous, I won't make you wait. I know what that does to a woman.'' He taped my mouth up, once again. ''Silence is golden, especially on the louder sex, don't you think?''

Suddenly the music stopped. The musicians looked at each other nervously. Obviously they'd been waiting for cues from the joker. The clown dropped his hand from my waist and stood before band.

''I said, gentlemen, silence is golden. I never said _stop._ See those candles?'' He pointed to the ring of candles. ''You stop, they drop! Then boom! Hoo hoo hoo he he!!''

The music quickly resumed.

''_De dad a da doe doe doe!'' _And the Joker was back to swinging me round the room. And singing_. _''_The best time to watch is like 1 or 2 o'clock!" _

Suddenly we stopped at the other end of the 'restaurant'. A grubby velvet curtain hung down in front of us. One of the masked men came over, and pushed it aside.

There, in the room beyond, was a grubby old bed done up terribly with a cheap wood frame and sheets. With no further ado, the Joker hoisted me up, bridle style, across the threshold.

''Bedtime, sugar,'' he said, grinning lasciviously.

_Hell No. _I had envisioned lots of potentially terrible fates in store for me that night, but sharing a bed with the Joker was _not _one of them.

''Put her down Joker.''

We turned around, or rather, the Joker turned around, and swung me with him.

There was someone standing there by the plank of wood, and it wasn't his two guards. They were lying on the floor.

The Joker never missed a beat. ''Sure thing Batty!''

He dropped me and my head hit the floor again with another comforting smack.

From the floor, I could still the profile of the man, the shadow, standing at the other end of the room.

It was the masked bat!

* * *


	3. A Batty Intervention

**~*~A Batty Intervention ~*~**

**A/N: The last chapter folks! Hope you've enjoyed my first foray into the Joker's world. **

**Remember, it's a crime to read without reviewing! **

I'll tell the truth. Until tonight, I didn't believe in the Batman. I thought it was a fairytale the Gotham Press had fabricated for us frightened adults. But it's pretty hard to ignore a man in a giant bat costume swinging a wire around in the air.

The masked vigilante spoke again, leaping towards us with the swinging wire. 'Duck!'

I didn't need any further encouragement. I ducked.

So did the Joker. ''I knew you'd come around Batboy,'' he said, grinning ear to ear like a child at Christmas. Oh yes. This was the highlight of Joker's night. 'Did you miss me?''

Batman swung again, but for a man known for his lack of fighting ability, the Joker was fairly agile. We ducked again.

''Since you like ducking so much, how about some of mine?'' The clown fished around in his pockets. 'Aha!' He held three yellow rubber ducks in his hands. 'Fly home little ones!' We watched the ducks land on the ground. There was a hissing noise, and a faint smell of bitter almonds pervaded the air. Thank god I was part of the population that could smell it. It was cyanide gas.

I quickly scrambled off the floor.

''Good bye Legs,'' he said almost wistfully. ''Such a shame about tonight!'' The Joker leant down and gave me a disturbing Joker kiss. 'Keep next Valentine's free on your calendar!'

And then he was out through the bedroom and gone. I had a funny feeling that any hideout of the Joker's was going to be a labyrinth.

The Batman was at my side in an instant. I guess fighting crims made you an efficient rescuer. He dragged me free of the cyanide towards the exit. I stumbled wearily to my feet.

'What about the police?" The masked vigilante helped me stand.

''They're on their way.'' His voice was more gentle-scholar-sounding than vigilante-thug.

''Here,'' he said, pressing a fifty dollar bill into my hands. ''I've called a cab driver to take you home.''

I was moved by the act of kindness, I was. But after being stuffed into a car, kidnapped, nearly harpooned and poisoned, I was wondering if I would ever have the courage to ride in a stranger's car again. ''Uh….''

''It's alright,'' he said, picking up his wire from the rubble. ''I know the driver.''

''Batman?'' The name sounded funny in my mouth.

He was adjusting the navigator on his wrist, about to leave. He looked up.

I gestured to the box of half-eaten cookies. It was my way of making the awful mess more human. 'Sure I can't offer you one?'

The man behind the mask smiled. It was a small, tight smile, the kind of smile a person gives when they are unused to smiling. We both knew the cookies were poisoned.

''I'll take a rain check. If I ever want cookies, I know where you live.''

And then he was gone, into the bedroom after the Joker.

_What?!_ I stumbled out of the restaurant, around the plank of wood and down the alley. He knew where I _lived. _I knew I should have been grateful. I had just been rescued from a nasty kidnapping by the city's dream hero. The batman himself. But the idea of _two _strange men, one psychopathic, the other chasing a psychopath, just didn't sit right with me at that moment.

Thankfully, the driver was waiting for me right beside the alley, just as the Batman had promised. I hesitated. ''Did he…did _he _send you here?'' I peered down through the open window and saw an elderly gentleman sitting in the driver's seat. That was the only way you could describe him. A gentleman. I wasn't the best judge of character, but even I could tell this man was decent.

''Indeed he did young lady. Hadn't you better come out of the cold?''

I found myself complying with a total stranger for the third time that night.

''I'm not a young lady,'' I said stubbornly. ''I'm a cop.'' I got into the car anyway.

''And my name is Alfred,'' said the man, pulling away from the curb the moment I stepped in.

He said nothing about the fact that I was dressed in my pyjamas and looked nothing like a cop. ''Where are you located my dear?''

I told him the street number before my actual street number. I still didn't like the idea of someone knowing where I lived, as trustworthy as he seemed.

''Thank you Alfred,' I said, jumping out of the car and into the cold street. ''Tell him…tell _him _thank you. I owe him a cookie.''

Alfred smiled enigmatically. I wondered how many times he had heard this, or how many times he had dropped off kidnapped women. ''I shall tell him…Miss?''

''_Wood_,' I finished. ''Homicide department.'' My face burned as I hurried away into the street before mine. Even more embarrassing than being caught in my pyjamas was the thought that _I _might have been one of the victim's Simon would have had to investigate in the morning.

I waited until Alfred's car disappeared down the road, then I retraced my steps and walked down the second street on the left. _My street. _Home sweet home, I thought as I raced up the checked steps to find my cats meowing outside the front door, curling around my ankles. Normally I fussed around in my ruck-sack searching for my keys but tonight it wasn't an issue.

It didn't take long for me to get inside. Now that the front window had been smashed open with a brick, and the front door knob hacked off for good measure. I kicked open the door and flipped on all the lights. The first thing I did was go to my closet and fish out my Glock from the underwear drawer. I wasn't doing any sleeping tonight.

Tomorrow, I would have the locks fixed.

I loaded the gun, and flopped down onto the sofa in front of the TV. A few of my cats curled around me and at my feet.

For now, let Gotham's crims _try_ to kidnap me again.

''Hoo hoo hoo hoo ahh hahahhahah!!!''

I froze. I only knew one psychopath who made that noise. I jumped up from my chair and scanned the room, my gun aimed. It didn't take long to locate the sound. There, by the fireplace, was a toy-sized doll of the Joker. It's face was frozen in a characteristic Joker-grin. The Joker had probably placed it there when he kidnapped me. A charming calling card for the police to find….

I wasn't going to touch it. He'd probably wired the thing to explode the minute I touched it. I stared at the toy distastefully, wondering what to do with it. It was then that I noticed the piece of paper pinned to the mantle piece above the toy. The writer was messy and blotted. A seven-year old would have had the same level of penman-ship. My eyes caught the bottom signature: signed, _the Joker. _

I was trembling, but I found the courage to quickly scan the contents:

''_Oh no! Boo hoo!! They caught me staring in her window!''_

I froze after reading the first line. He was quoting from the same song he'd sung in the restaurant. I thought of the Batman chasing after him. What if the Joker had placed the note in my apartment _after _he'd escaped, _before _I arrived home? It didn't bear thinking about. I kept reading.

''_Well toots, if you're reading this, by snapping piranhas – you caught me ha ha ha!!!_

_The Batman has managed to foil my plans again, ha ha!!!'' _

I swallowed at the mad writing. So it was true. He'd come here _after _he'd jumped down the sewer. I read on.

''_I thought you'd appreciate that little villainish flourish! But my dear, who ever heard of a clown who ever leaves his box?? Arkham asylum awaits!!!_

_Fear not my leggish one! It's just a small stopover until our next meeting!_

_Doesn't it send shivers down your spine, the thought of you and I – Together next Valentine's! _

_Hopefully we'll get a little closer next time, whaddya say Legs?_

_Keep a smile on your dial,_

_I'll be watching Miss Wood!!_

_Yours more-than-intimately,_

_The Joker_

_X_X_

_Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!''_

That did it. I blew two rounds into the Joker's toy-head.

He knew my name! I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. That meant he knew exactly who I was and where I worked. Again, I shouldn't have been surprised. It was so like the Joker to pick a policewoman for a date. The ultimate thrill, aside from stealing away Batman's own love interest, if indeed he had one. I couldn't really see Batman taking anyone out on a date. But after tonight, I was willing to believe _anything. _

I got a broom and swept up the now very dead Joker into a dust pan. Then I hurtled it out my broken window. The phone rang. I sighed. It would be the police, ringing to ask why one of their own police officers found it necessary to be firing off a gun at 2:30 in the morning. Probably I'd woken up half the neighbourhood in the process. I was going to have a lot of explaining to do for Simon in the morning.

But that could wait. Right now, all I wanted was sleep. The sofa was waiting, and I had another year to worry about next Valentine's Day.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


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